cleaning out my closet
October 2 
This evening there is not an inch of my closet unaccounted for.
It has been assaulted in the most brazen manner, standing now blatant and exposed; its secrets laid bare, its contents pillaged and scoured with an almost military precision.
I can assure you, dear reader, it had it coming.
Last night, as a tantalizing glimpse and subsequent tug of something silver resulted in a bombardment of handbags upon my bewildered head, I knew something had to be done.
Justice was swift.
Restitution was ruthless and with a disgorgement worthy of Madame Ipecac herself, the detritus that befouled my bedspread this morning was dealt with.
It wasn't pretty.
Well, some of it was.
It's just that there was so much of it.
Boxes of beguiling Christmas decorations twinkled next to swaying piles of sarongs which reclined seductively against heaving mounds of folded sheets. Upon layers of make-up containers balanced beams of wrapping paper, unravelling and extending their inner coils like light sabres at the merest touch. Shoe boxes filled with Europe 2002, Turkey 2005 and Greece 2003 sat quietly next to paper bags of Paris 04 and envelopes of Santorini. Bali was all over the place, smiling smugly at her dominance over the other ephemera gleaned from corners of the world less traveled.
In a manner not unlike Charlemagne, I led my first charge at the less frequented portions of the wardrobe. It was a surprise attack, sidetracked almost immediately by whimsy as I retrieved a few forgotten treasures poked desperately between gaps in the bulging suitcases on the upper shelf; a white beaded Balinese sarong, a stripy citrus one and a pretty pink embroidered number that I swear still smelt of the Cyclades as I pulled it close.
Memories tempted as bags of birthday cards, saved slavishly, spewed from their sentimental hidey holes to tease me with times past enjoyed and the ceaseless perpetuity of the passing years. Dangerously close to the ephemeral wobbled lethal litre bottles of essential oil, sandlewood and ylang ylang threatening in their teeter to spill over the spoils of the years, their threat dammed a little by thin walls of scarves rolled into balls and stuffed like cotton wool between the gaps.
A swathe of glossy bags from Alannah Hill, Kookai and their ilk spread like a layer of cream over the scene, their contents long eBayed, their dockets still a shocking evidence of glorious moments in shopping history.
Down they came to the battlefield on the bed, to be picked over and reconstituted before a systematic replacement in the closet.
While I am a sentimental minx, it is at times like this that a flagrant disregard for such domestic debilitation can overtake me, surprising me with it's ruthless abandon of all that ties me up, quite literally, with my shit.
After a thorough pillaging of the top, and least detrimental layer of my cupboard, dear reader, I will concede that my bin bag was full.
Buoyed by my savagery, the ministrations continued throughout the day, all senses affronted by the sheer magnitude of my hoarding, one shelf filled with no less than fifty various yet surprisingly similar hair products, another sheltering the detritus of a serious makeup addiction, along with several other obsessions as I made my way through the clothes section, both hanging and folded, and the shoes and boots clearly kicking each other to death at floor level.
It has been a battle fought and won, dear reader, my closet standing skeleton-free,
a gleaming symbol of my daring and dramatic domestic dominion, an edifice almost luminous in it's monument to order and organization.
Yet, as I clutch my glass of shiraz, my sparkling case of writer's block and the same half written chapter of this elusive book of mine, I know I have mastered The Art of Distraction as well.
Rather too well.
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Reader Comments (34)
Distraction and I know each other very well.
My mate Billy tells me that Charlemagne was the first bloke to get a patent on food, The food in question is Roquefort Cheese. Billy keeps a mean Roquefort cheese but alas my dear Minx he looks awful in a sarong and as for a thong - nooooooooo.
He has said that should you require accommodation or sustenance at the start of your trek he will be more than willing to oblige.
Norm
xx
PS he is a hoarder extraordinary. If you need something ask Billy.
I am impressed, dear Minx! Distraction perhaps but what an undertaking! I only wish that I'd been there to assist, yet I fear that none of your outcasts would make their way any further than my own greedy little arms!
xoxoxxo
Rapunzel
I am with Rapunzel dear Minx! :) I would love to go through all your outcasts, what a lovely undertaking indeed! :)
Alas, we are one and the same, dear Whit.
As soon as there is something I need to knuckle down to, my cupboard needs cleaning, my drawers need organizing, something, ANYTHING else needs doing.
Immediately.
It is quite horrendous, and inevitable...
xox
Congratulations on winning the Battle of the Bulge-ing closet! Oh Minx...only YOU could make such this otherwise dreary chore sound so delectable. I can only hope for a simlar distraction soon...before I am hopelessly lost amongst the gathering hoard!
Dearest Norman,
Billy sounds like my kind of man...
A hoarder
A lover of Roquefort Cheese
And lives in France - potentially on the very route of my journey!!
I could see myself lounging there and never leaving!!
I must meet him!!
xox
Darling Rapunzel,
I am constantly giving things away.
I would gladly have offloaded some of my treasure into your opportunistic little arms!!
Although I do like to hoard, it is true, I also enjoy the liberation of loosening the ties that bind.
Give and thee shall receive - or similar...
I read once, that if you throw away 10 things a day (whoa!) feng shui style, not only is your Chi given a good flushing, a whole array of new and wonderful things will arrive to replace them, or similar...
It is the secret of abundance, no?
Sounds like good therapy to me!
Now, about my writing...what can I do to distract myself from it today?
I need a whip..
xox
Darling Lady Terri,
I have bags of goodies available for immediate distribution!!
It is a treasure trove of tantalization.
I had better remove it soon, or I am sure it will weasel it's way into my wardrobe once more!!
xox
Oh, The Battle of the Bulge indeed!!!!
You are a witty little wonderbra, darling Olga!!
I could have done with a little of your support and good humour yesterday. It was quite an undertaking, and one for which there was no real preparation.
Typically, the adventure began quite accidentally and carried me along with it.
Overall, it was an enlightening experience.
It was a voyage of re-discovery. There were things in there I had forgotten all about!
I do hope you find your own imminent distraction equally compelling!!
xox
If you have any boas you're not using...I know I could certainly use them for bondage and such ;)
Hello again darling boy!!!
So glad your back on the blogs again!
And I must tell you that I NEVER throw out such delicious paraphernalia as boas!!!
I have an absolute abundance of costumery and will simply not part with any of it.
I am happy to share though ;)
xox
The thought of your feminine hands rummaging through the mysterious - yet neglected - contents of a closet is a pleasant one, dear Minx. They had the condemned man's last wish before being sentenced to the bin bag.
Minx. I will be the first to tell you.
You are pregnant.
Congratulations!
xxx
P.S. Stop drinking Shiraz.
My dearest Gorilla friend,
My poor hands are quite tired after all this enigmatic rummaging...perhaps you would like to soothe them for me...
it is their one wish.
xox
Oh God. Amelia.
Yes.
That must be it.
The alternate mania/distraction...
The cleaning of cupboards!
I should have guessed...
xox
No Shiraz!!!!
How did I ever do this?
!!!
xox
what a delightful journey of the closet rejuvenation! yes. And, the distraction from yer book is very quite normal and most likely allowed yer purty-minxy head to renew ideas and thoughts to further write most focused... i do the same with art, walk-away...come-back to it, renewed...and hopefully ready tah rawwwk.
...yoo'll do it, don't focus on the time away in guilt, mmm'k madame Minx!!! ~julian
at least your distraction led to an amazing post and produced an ipecac-free day