speaking in tongues
June 18 You have no doubt gleaned from these rather rude and rampant pages, dear reader, that my tongue has oft been tied when it comes to saying no to the demon drink.
Having a fundamentally decadent, disobedient and diabolical nature has made it rather too easy to overindulge.
I cheerfully and repeatedly throw myself into the fray.
Why, I knock them back with gay abandon, lubricating my licentiousness and disengaging the devil inside.
Being small, being a woman, doesn't help. It takes such little effort for la diabolique to wash over me like a splash of red paint and turn me into a scarlet woman.
It will come as no surprise to you then, my dears, that before we headed out for dinner with friends on Saturday, I was gently read the riot act by my husband, patient yet weary of using his infinitely broad shoulders to carry the load that I have inevitably become by the end of the evening, lush and lolloping, loud and lubricated.
My dear husband must have known it would ultimately degenerate in the traditional manner, given that I was to be reunited with someone who has been my darling friend and confidante for the better part of two decades.
Vanessa is like my younger sister, small, blonde, impossibly cute and bearing an enviable resemblance to Scarlett Johansson. If she wasn't so adorable she would be loathsome with her smooth, unlined skin, her glorious cheekbones, long flaxen hair and perfect teeth.
While other women her age are cultivating wrinkles, Vanessa has remained youthful and polished, her face a picture of wholesome happiness and deep belief in the power of positive thinking. While she remains deliciously unaware of her beauty, there is no doubt that she is blind to the almost palpable cases of schadenfreude which must lay jealously in her wake.
Being not of an envious nature, I prefer to simply revel in her, joyous and heartened by any opportunity to spend time with my fellow Minx.
And Minx she is. A conniving one.
I should have seen it coming the minute we walked in the door.
But I was distracted.
After marvelling at the empire created on their magnificent country estate, I was to be further wowed by the minor miracle created by our hostess in the dining room to which I was directed for perusal. The table setting was of Bacchanalian proportions, decorated intuitively and deliciously in the style of The Minx. All was black and red and delectable.
Leopard skin accents played provocatively under exquisite flatware embellished with a quantity of red roses expected only at Valentines Day. It was beautiful.
"Oh I feel as if it's my birthday!" I squealed.
"It is a treat for the Minx!" cried Vanessa, "and every day is a minx day, isn't it, darling!"
I certainly didn't need further encouragement on that score. One needs only the merest of excuses to be decadent in any situation... and it was obvious that this was entirely imminent, given the monstrous jug of crimson liquid that was standing boldly on the benchtop. Vanessa smiled meaningfully.
"Good God" I said."It's liquid sex."
"Yes indeed." replied Vanessa, pouring the devilish liquid into a martini glass.
"I am the Cosmopolitan Queen, you know."
Ah yes, the Cosmopolitan. I know her well.
She is a hip-swinging, shot-slinging,
globe-trotting member
of the jet-setting elite.
She is me. We are one and the same...
And she is a naughty girl.
Yet there is something so fundamentally sophisticated about a cocktail.
It is stylish and sexual. A delicious alchemy.
The magical mixing of ingredients in a spell compelling, a ritual bewitching,
an enchantment electric, so delectable and diabolical that lines are blurred, rules are broken, tongues are tied and resistance is useless.
I find it better to go with the flow.
Like a twig on the shoulders of a mighty stream.
Five glasses later and the stream had become a mighty river, still flowing..
with no sign of dinner...
Which was of no consequence to those either swilling Cosmopolitans or guzzling beer.
With good company, fine hors d'oeuvres and slowly diminishing motor skills,
dinner had been put on the back burner.
The devilish liquid was working it's magic.
Oh, Cocktails! They are dangerous and sly things, aren't they?
Why, they are the assassins of the alcoholic world.
They slip like a sniper into one's subconscious.
One hardly knows they're there until BANG
and you're gone, baby, gone!
I must admit I was rather gone by the time the meal arrived on my plate and the red wine was being poured.
"Red wine after five cosmopolitans!" I can hear you cry.
Oh yes. Indeed.
Red wine. There were four bottles and I couldn't drink it quickly enough.
Lubricating my hearty vocal chords was essential as I vociferously held court at the table, regaling our small party with tales of the jungle, several largely embarrassing accounts of indiscretion added by insinuations both indiscriminate and insensitive.
But as the wine flowed and my tongue loosened, strange things began to happen.
Our group became impossibly verbose, spurred by the spirit of the spoken word, emboldened by innuendo and relaxed by something red and devilish.
It was rabid. It was ribald. It was very, very rude.
I hardly need to elaborate on what was done to Vanessa's I HEART COUNTRY word block.
And I need not mention our discussion of the fluids required to stimulate plant growth in some of their most vigorous floral specimens.
But what was most astonishing was my slip into The Dark Side.
Remarkably, unbelievably, I began Speaking In Tongues.
Yes, dear reader, Aleister Crowley style.
It is wholly conceivable that I was channeling some dark and devious Babylonian demon, for I began conversing with my guests in an ancient Sumerian tongue.
Incandescent, yet entirely incomprehensible, I entertained for a good ten minutes before resuming my comparatively normal minx-like composure.
While I remember none of this, it is a parlour trick of which I am highly suspicious.
Not only has the expression of such deeply arcane secrets left me somewhat depleted, I fear the quantity of alcohol required to reach such a state again may be somewhat prohibitive to my few remaining brain cells.
And I believe, fundamentally, that after all the performance, the Mesopotamian message may have been better conveyed in my own native tongue:
*Cheers, my dears...
Mwah hahahahaha *
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Reader Comments (25)
Beautiful!
I've often bantered on philosophically in that ancient Sumerian tongue you reference, you beautiful little Minx!
I can only imagine your excitement at the glorious site of the jug o' cosmos.
Dee-lish. You will LOVE this.
Last night two friends and I were at an outdoor Shakespeare play. We'd quickly exhaused our bottle of champagne and our bottle of port. This adorable gay couple sat next to us, and out of a styrofoam cooler produced TWO blenders of frozen strawberry daquiri. My eyes lit up, and in ancient Sumerian, of course, I held out my cup, blinked, turned on the "I'm pretending to be dumb and cute but I'm definitely smarter than both of you" look, and shared good drinks with my new friends.
A Minx-worthy act, for sure!
I am more in love with you, and the idea of liquor consumption than ever! I think yes, I will have a cosmo, or five when I get home tonight! Toast to you and this post!
CHEERS!
meleah rebeccah
Oh Kitty,
If only I knew what I said!!
Why does no one have the video ready at such times!
I take that back, of course. I've no doubt it was grisly...
But those red liquids hold a special fascination don't they.
The cosmo itself is pure sex and my God is it vigorous - and darkly, deliciously dangerous!!
Especially followed by it's demonic friend, red wine..
Oh Kitty, your eyes must have been like saucers at the sight of those unexpected frozen delights. I am drooling at the slippery, sexual and intoxicating combination of Shakespeare, strawberries and rum.
Dee-lish indeed.
You are such a minx!
xx
Yummy!
Darling Meleah,
What a delectable way to drown!
Languishing in liquor...loverly...
Damn this ocean between us - I'd come and join you!!
Given my new leanings, I may well be able to spirit myself over there....
Cheers, darling!
xx
i do love to indulge in a lubricating libation,, or ten,,, if given the opportunity to share them in good company,, and with out a camera phone or video camera in the midst!!!
once again my dear, you pleasured me beyond redemption!!!!
Yummy indeed, Whit.
I cannot use such a word for the state of my head the following day, however.
That was Yuck...
xx
Ah, Paisley,
The camera phone, the digital camera, have sounded a death knell to some of those simple, or deliciously convoluted, pleasures...
It makes one doubly accountable - and doubly embarrassed...
With the advent of Youtube - make that triple!!
In the pursuit of uninhibited pleasure, perhaps we need to frisk our guests at the door!!
Cheers!!
xx
inebriation culminating in moments of reckless abandon are a beautiful thing, especially if the next morning you are graced without a splitting headache. i think the red wine conclusion may have led to the momentary, but verbally pleasurable, lapse. oh well. btw, i began to speak in tongues after seeing vanessa.
Oh my dear Raffi,
You are not the only one to be speaking in tongues after seeing Vanessa. She is a vision. And a visionary. Her heart really is as beautiful as her visage...
I only wish the headache the following morning had not soiled the previous night's escapade...
xx
Oh, dear Minx, I myself have fallen under the Cosmo spell on occasion so I imagine I could easily decipher the language you spoke while intoxicated! I confess that I overindulged in a delightful new vodka concoction this weekend and am now paying the price on the scale. groan.
It's just so easy to be fabulously bad, isn't it?
My Dear Minx
If you're feeling frisky, and looking for volunteers to test out your stop and search skills, then look no further!
Your writing has enticed me to dig out the old cocktail recipe book that Jasper bought me for my birthday a few years ago... the consequences, when they follow, may be grave!
Best wishes
Bill
And I wish to hear all about them, dear Bill!!
I especially want to hear if you are as proficient with your tongue as I am...
xx
Darling Rapunzel,
The Cosmo spell is a wicked one indeed...
It appears I may have to employ your services in any of my further endeavours so that interpretation of my loosened tongue can be obtained...
I think it might just be a good excuse to enjoy together this vodka concoction of which you speak...
Oh the scales...vile things..
I say "bottoms up!"
xx
Geeez-us Minxie....don't you know that I'm just a simple redneck? The only thing that saves me is my dictionary :)
Of course, once alcohol is mentioned, my IQ rises about 20 points.
Cheers!
Ah, I'm afraid two Cosmos would result in the same sort of unmentionable activities that dry vodka martinis illicit in my world. My husband doesn't like me kissing strangers, he's funny like that. I stick to wine these days, but perhaps that's because most of my social drinking is business related. I'm also thinking speaking in tongues, especially if said conversation also includes lips and hands, may not win me any new book contracts.
Though a book written in ancient Sumerian could prove interesting, if extremely limited in audience!
You deliciously naughty minx, living vicariously through your indiscretions is a decadent and delectable part of my day.
xoxo
Mistress M
Definitely cosmos over mint juleps. And red roses over new barbeques would not be a contest. I will refrain from sharing similar experiences because you have already done so better than I could ever hope to.
Ancient Sumerian? Might that be like Sigourney Weaver in Ghost Busters? Did you meet Zool?
I would love to be able to speak in tongues. It would be a great mercy. Drunkenly suggesting that an eminent but undeniably vile law partner "go lube himself" would surely sound sweeter in Sumerian... yes? ... no?
Argh.
Ahh, Slick..
The dictionary...
It is a good read...
Hopeless, however, when one is speaking Sumerian!!
Somebody help me here!!
I need an English/Babylonian dictionary and a notated recount of my entire Mesopotamian conversation on Saturday night.
Waxing lyrical has taken on a whole new meaning...
Slick, you wax well in any colour, darling xx
And that really is Vanessa in the photo? She is exactly like Scarlett! She's absolutely gorgeous!! Scarlett is by far and away my most passionately adored actress... thank goodness I wasn't there... I'm not sure quite what I would have tried to do, especially after five cosmopolitans...